again.

Haven't blogged in some time now. Just as a update, my spiritual life finally seems to be going straight again.

Began

1) doing quiet time every morning.

2) asking the Father to reduce my vulnerability to temptation, to increase my tolerance , to really do so by renewing my mind.

3) learnt to keep thinking of my eyes and my mind as belonging to God and not myself, bought at a price; thus i have no authority to choose what i want to think or see. Thus i have no choice but to avoid lust and avoid looking at anything that invokes it; and I give thanks to God that I do not have that authority over myself, to use my eyes and mind as i feel like it; my eyes and my mind are slaves to God, bought at a price, and I give thanks for it.

4) Commiting in my mind to focus on nothing but obeying, pleasing and following God.

Unfortunately, I didn't wake up and and come to the computer to write down the developments in my life. I woke up, unable to sleep, and came to the computer because again I find myself unable to manage my feelings for a sister.

It is very, very frustrating. Telling myself to let go, asking God to take away these feelings from my life, causes the feelings and the desire to solidify and to affect me harder. The act of acknowledging they exist make them immensely rigid and unyielding in my heart. This struggle really drains me; and once again I find myself losing sleep while attempting to deal with these feelings, in a period of my life and of the semester where I was aiming to learn to optimise my sleep and increase the productivity of my days. Such a draining paradox; I can do nothing with these feelings except work to reject and leave them behind, and bring them to the Lord in prayer, but doing so causes me to focus on them all the more.

I find it so hard to not analyse the situation and looking for adjustments I can make so that a situation where my feelings are mutual can come about. I keep looking for reasons why my feelings are not reciprocated; I keep finding myself thinking about this situation as if it was only natural that we should be together, and that it was simply a series of barriers that with enough effort and care could be cleared out of the way.

I find it so, so hard to let go. I find it so hard to be a man, to accept and convince myself that she is not someone special to me and that I am not someone special to her, and that in all likelihood we will never be so. I need to learn to be logical! How can I be so smitten over someone who has already in no uncertain terms rejected me in such a straightforward manner?

What is wrong with me, that I come back drawn like a moth to the flame, always about to burn myself to death on a dangerous flame of disappointment and shame.

I would try to focus on my shame from the last time, but I fear that would just cause scarring in my self-esteem, cause me to be that much less useful to God's kingdom.

Lord, I lift up my cares and anxiety and worry and pain and longings to You. Please do with them as You see best; please teach me what is real and what is not. Please teach me to stop seeing things that are not there; please teach me to stop seeing potential that is not there.

Jesus, please help me. In Your most precious name I pray.. Amen.

update

hmm. forgot to update.

I told her, she rejected me after two days, heartbroken for a while, talked to her again, everything's fine. I've lost that infatuated feeling.

But. Still wistful. Still wishing. Still twirling like a nearly invisible wind in my mind, in my spirit.

Would that things were otherwise; in my heart it leans slightly towards little wishes that I could find someone here to be a little closer to.

Little dreams, little small wishes; the wind blowing about my ankles, the leaves swirling and passing down the little alleys of life, in the bright rays of the love of the Lord.